Healing from Religious Trauma: Losing My Religion and Finding Myself
LOSING MY RELIGION
“That's me in the corner
That's me in the spot-light
Losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no I've said too much
I haven't said enough.”
-Michael Stipe, lead singer of R.E.M.
That’s me in the corner…
What Does It Mean to Lose Your Religion?
Religious trauma can leave lasting scars, but healing is possible. Reflecting on my personal journey, I’m reminded of the song Losing My Religion, which has always resonated deeply with me. Growing up, I couldn’t fully grasp its meaning, but now, it mirrors my own struggle of losing faith and finding myself. It possessed me in a way only angsty ’90s rock can—and still does today. As I’ve gotten older and “lived on a little more,” as the elders say, the meaning of this song has evolved with me. I’ve had my own religious awakening and lulling. Repeatedly, finding and losing myself —until I realized I wasn’t losing myself but rather the person I thought I was supposed to be according to the framework of this belief.
That’s not to say there’s anything inherently bad in the belief of religion. The protective factors found in the community and guidance of a religion can be a healthy way to cope with mental distress. In the arms of God—or whichever deity you choose to worship you can discover a safe haven from a cold, cruel world. The consistency of the practice can either become a feature or a bug of the religious experience. Some will say, “God is the most important part of religion,” and I am not here to convince you of or deter you from God as an entity. What I am talking about is the culture and customs associated with the religion built around your preferred deity—and what happens when you can no longer ignore the cracks in the building.
When the Cracks Begin to Show
According to the Public Religion Research Institute (PRRI) report Religious Change in America, “Nearly one in five Americans (18%) left a religious tradition to become religiously unaffiliated, over one-third of whom were previously Catholic (35%) and mainline/non-evangelical Protestant (35%).” If you’ve been following the news and social media feeds for the last 30 years, it’s no mystery that people have started to view religion with more critical eyes. It seems like every day a new layer of depravity and inhumanity is revealed in these once-hallowed circles. Repeated instances of sexual abuse, financial mismanagement, and a loss of safety and certainty—once thought to be the hallmarks of a thriving religious community, are now tainted. Many have become disillusioned with religion for this reason. For some, this disillusionment has left deep, traumatic wounds.
In the lyrics posted above, Michael Stipe sings, “Trying to keep up with you. And I don’t know if I can do it. Oh no I’ve said too much. I haven’t said enough.” Stipe has noted in previous interviews that Losing My Religion is a song about “obsession,” but the lyrics are vague enough to allow differing interpretations. In a way, religious belief can be misconstrued as an obsession depending on how much importance you place on it in your life. Whether obsession or devotion, reconciling who you are once you start deconstructing a belief system can seem formidable.
Finding Yourself After Losing Faith
But what does it mean to lose your religion, and why is it important to you? If you’re reading this blog post, I assume you’ve had some encounter with religion. And if my assumption is true, it has likely played a part in shaping who you are at this very moment. The separation between you and the belief you once called home, can leave you feeling lost. Even if the system itself hurt you, there’s still an emptiness that you cannot explain. And so you say nothing, to avoid saying “too much,” despite knowing you “haven’t said enough.”
In fact, you haven’t said enough about the passage your pastor, rabbi, or imam read, and you found their interpretation insufficient or even wrong. You haven’t said enough about the violation you experienced in the presence of those who promised to be in community with you—only to take advantage of your vulnerability. You haven’t said enough about the moment you recognized that this faith had become less of a path to freedom and more of a straight jacket on your identity.
Because you haven’t said enough, your ability to identify and express what’s been missing or wrong has been underdeveloped.
Steps Toward Healing Religious Trauma
I won’t kid you—this can be quite scary. If you grew up like me, you may have lived in a state if constant vigilance. Fearful of being left behind in the rapture or awaiting the other shoe to drop on your decision to go another way. That fear doesn’t disappear overnight, but freedom is possible. Healing from a religious system that may have caused you harm can take many forms. For some, it’s rediscovering faith with a stronger, self-assured understanding. For others, it’s stepping away from religion entirely, shedding the guilt and shame imposed by a system that no longer serves them.
Either way, your goal should be to seek peace in your healing process in a safe and healthy way. Here are two simple steps:
Start by accepting that you’re in a transitional place with your religious beliefs. It’s okay to not know what you want.
Seek the support of a trained mental health professional and yes, that means therapy. Of course, you can do it on your own but I find that that having a companion on this journey helps ease the stress of going on the unbeaten path.
If you’re looking for support while you’re figuring it out, I think you’d benefit from the Healing From Religious Trauma group I run. Or, if you’re interested in therapy but don’t know where to start, check out my previous blog post Where Shall I Begin? on the different types of therapy to help you identify what might be a good fit for you. And if you are like me and just miss the 90s — I suggest giving R.E.M’s Losing My Religion a listen for old times sake.
My favorite quote from Agent Jemma Simmons of the highly underrated Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. is, “The steps you take don’t need to be big, they just need to take you in the right direction.” Take your time.
If you or someone you know is struggling with religious trauma, know you are not alone. Share this post to help others find support or connect with resources.
References
PRRI Staff, (2024, March 27). Religious change in America. https://www.prri.org/research/religious-change-in-america/#:~:text=Nearly%20one%20in%20five%20Americans,%2Devangelical%20Protestant%20(35%25).
R.E.M. (n.d.). R.E.M. - Losing My Religion (Official HD Music Video). YouTube. https://youtu.be/xwtdhWltSIg?feature=shared
R.E.M. – losing my religion. Genius. (n.d.). https://genius.com/Rem-losing-my-religion-lyrics
